


Beginnings

by WolfAndHound_Archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Domestic Discipline, Physical Abuse, Post-Sirius in Azkaban, Romance, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-05-18 20:42:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5942479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfAndHound_Archivist/pseuds/WolfAndHound_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Remus thinks how he and Sirius began their unusual relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Lassenia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Wolf and Hound](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Wolf_and_Hound), which was created to make stories posted to the Sirius_Black_and_Remus_Lupin Yahoo! mailing list easier to find. However, even though I still love the fandom, I am no longer active in it and do not have the time to maintain it. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in December 2015. I posted an announcement with Open Doors, but we may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Wolf and Hound collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wolfandhound/profile).

Sirius fell asleep in my arms. I tuck a wild lock behind his ear so I can see his face. He looks relaxed, completely at peace. I'm proud that I can make him reach this inner calm. I know it's not very modest of me, but it is the truth.

Most people wouldn't understand. They would say that I'm hitting him, abusing him, but I'm not. I'm giving him the limits he seeks, the ones he was never given as a child and a teenager, the ones that society creates, but he never experienced in Azkaban. However, it took time and pain to bring us to this point.

After I resigned from Hogwarts, I found a job as a groundskeeper. It was an old estate, large and surrounded by walls. The owners used the mansion rarely and wanted someone to keep the local kids out. It wasn't difficult. After the first full moon, the villagers were convinced that the estate was haunted. No one ever bothered me again.

In July of that year, a dog arrived. I didn't need to be told who the dog was. I'd spent too many nights with him not to recognise Padfoot. Sirius morphed into his human form and greeted me.

I never invited him to live with me. I didn't have to. It was natural for him to stay with me. It was safe. No one would ever look for him here.

However, it was hard for him. Sirius has always been a people person, and the forced reclusion after twelve years of Azkaban was not appreciated. However, the calm and the work helped him get back in shape.

I don't even remember when from friends we became lovers. The relationship changed so spontaneously that one day, Sirius was in my bed. He never left. He didn't have to find a place into my heart; he had conquered his niche since we were in school.

We lived together for a year before Albus summoned us. The Order met again and the missions resumed. I moved back to Hogwarts. Sirius was mostly on missions, but when he came back, he would stay with me.

In January, tragedy struck. Hagrid was killed during a mission. Sirius was with him. When he came back, he gave a debriefing to the Order. He stayed strong, but I could see the tension in his body.

As soon as we reached our room, he collapsed on the floor and started crying. "It's my fault. I should have been more careful. If I hadn't rushed in, Hagrid would still be alive. It's all my fault."

I held him close, murmuring nonsense until he calmed down. Eventually, he fell asleep. I stayed awake, looking at him, not knowing what to think. Had he really acted improperly on a mission? Sirius had always been rush, but he took his job seriously. On the other hand, it had been a long time since Sirius had acted as an Auror. He might not be as prepared as they all assumed. Back then, I didn't have enough information to make the right decision and Sirius had suffered from it.

In the following months, Sirius took more and more risks during his missions. I probably wouldn't know about it if Severus hadn't witnessed some of them while posing as a Death Eater. I still remember the day he came to me.

~+~+~+~+~+~+~

"Lupin, we have to talk." Severus is extremely uncomfortable as he sits on one of my chairs.

"What's wrong, Severus?" I'm still upset about him revealing my lycanthropy two years ago, but to be honest, I can't blame him. I had expected him to tell the world right after the shack incident.

"It's Black-"

I cut him off. I can't go through this again. They are adults. If they want to fight, they'll have to do it without putting me in the middle. "It's between you two. I don't want to know what he's done to you or what you'll do to him."

Severus shakes his head. "You misunderstand what I'm trying to tell you. It's not what he's doing to me, but what he's doing to himself. He's reckless, and he will get killed. Three times now, I've spotted him at a meeting. Sooner or later, even that idiot of Pettigrew will know that it's him. There is no reason for him to be there, when I am. It will only get the two of us killed."

He pauses and stares at me. I know what he wants me to say and I can feel he has an answer ready, but I play along. "Maybe he wants to double check the information you bring us." Not as bad as saying that Sirius doesn't trust him as far as he can throw Severus, but very close.

Severus smirks. "The feelings are mutual, but I have it from reliable sources that he has been spotted both at Hogsmeade and Diagon Alley. To top things off, tonight, he tripped the wards at Malfoy Manor."

He stands up and moves toward the fireplace. "The only reason he is still alive is that I was there and recognised the dog. You do something with him or he's as good as dead." After a meaningful gaze, he leaves the room.

~+~+~+~+~+~+~

I've always wondered what he meant. Could he have known? I've always picked my partners carefully when I felt the need to play with my toys. It was more a way to release my tension than anything else. The partners were subs who didn't want any lasting relationship. Discretion was always paramount.

Whether he guessed, knew or meant something totally different I will never know, but I know that I owe Severus a debt of gratitude.

Of course, things weren't that clear back then. So many emotions raged inside me at the knowledge that my lover and friend was negligently risking his life. I was saddened, worried, troubled, but most of all furious. If Sirius had stayed out another day, maybe things would have gone differently. However, he decided to return soon after Severus had left.

~+~+~+~+~+~+~

"What in Merlin's balls were you thinking?" I ask him angrily the moment he walks through the room.

"Remus, slow down. I have no idea..."

"No idea. You don't know about almost being killed at Malfoy's. Or don't you think it's eventful enough to remember? After all, it's becoming an everyday experience for you." I'm furious and it shows. I never raise my voice, but I can't help it.

"Oh, I see. Snape-"

"This has nothing to do with Severus. He isn't the one acting stupidly. You are." I turn my back on him; he shouldn't see my rage. I breathe, trying to calm myself. I have to make him understand. Yelling at him will only make him more resentful. He needs to trust me.

"I know what I'm doing. I need to get the information and end it. Don't you see, Remus? The longer we wait, the stronger they get. We have to act." He comes close to me and puts a hand on my arm. I won't let him win this time. I can't. His life is in danger.

I turn around and face him. "That's not acceptable, Sirius. The Order works as a group. You can't make unilateral decisions that put your life in danger. For all the risks you've taken, what have you learned? What do you know that Severus didn't tell us already?" I ask him coldly.

He looks at his feet. "Nothing. I just thought...I know I can do something..." He raises his gaze. "Please, Remus, you must understand."

I shake my head. "No, I mustn't do anything of the sort. You obviously don't care about what I feel. You didn't stop to think about what I would feel if I lost you again because you wanted to chase windmills. I know we are at war and we could both die, but I refuse to be with a man that will voluntarily risk his life for no reason." I'm taking a huge risk and I hope that I know Sirius as well as I think I do.

"What are you saying?" he asks me despairingly.

"I'm saying that unless you can show me that I'm wrong, we can't be together." I feel like a traitor inside. I'm using emotional blackmail, but he is too important to me. I will do anything necessary to keep him safe.

"I'll do anything, Remus. Just tell me," he whispers.

I smile inwardly. I set the trap and he walked right into it without thinking. So very Sirius. However, now I have to make certain that I can give him what he needs. "All right," I start calmly, "I want you to take your clothes off and kneel by the bed."

He raises an eyebrow. I look at him sternly, refusing to answer the silent question. Sirius knows me well and he decides to follow my orders. I wait a few moments, for my benefit, before entering our bedroom.

"Petrificus Totalus." Sirius's body stills in its kneeling position. I walk to my chest of drawers, and from the top drawer, I pull out a small box. I place it on the floor, in front of my lover. After re-enlarging it, I take its contents out.

"I want you to listen to me, Sirius. You said that you would do anything, but those are empty words. I want you to know what I request from you." I sit in front of him so that he can see my eyes when I talk to him.

"It's your choice to stay with me or not. If you stay, I will punish you if you step out of bounds. You will have no say in what should be punished or how you should be punished. I've used all those implements you see on the floor. I could use any of them at any time if I feel that you need to be punished."

I get up and move toward the door. I turn to face him once more. "I put you under the spell because I want you to stay still long enough to think. You aren't famous for doing either." I can imagine the smirk on Severus's face if he heard me. "I want you to look at the crop and the flogger and all the other objects and I want you to really reflect on what **you** want. You can give me an answer when I come back."

I leave our chambers. I couldn't stay there and not go to him. Of course, it's inevitable that I meet Severus.

"Is he back?" The man is always so curt.

"Yes. Sirius is in the room, thinking."

He snorts. "Not of his free will," he retorts. Then, he stares at me and his intense gaze burns through me. "I hope you can control him for both your sakes."

"I thought you hated us." I don't try to hide my smile.

"I dislike you immensely. However, I don't want to see either of you dead." He stares ahead.

"I wonder why," I tease him. I know full well the reason, but it's not my business if he and Harry are attracted to each other. I know that Severus will never tell the boy while Harry is still a student. And if Harry finds the strength to tell Severus, then he is obviously old enough.

"I have my reasons," he answers, but I can see that he is thinking of something else, or more appropriately someone else.

"I'm sure you do, Severus. I best get back." He nods and I'm off.

I enter our room quietly. I'm afraid. Afraid that once I end the spell, Sirius will run away. Scared that our love is not enough to pull us through. Terrified that Sirius will die if he doesn't find what he needs.

"Finite Incantatem," I whisper.

Sirius blinks, but doesn't move. "What now, Remus?"

I sit on the bed, next to him. "It's up to you, Sirius. You have to make the decision. I won't force you into anything, no matter how much I want to."

"And you want to punish me?" he asks uncertain. He sounds so confused.

"Yes," I state firmly.

"Why?" He sits back on his heels and stares at me with a lost look in his eyes.

"I hoped that you could tell me." I ran my hand through his hair.

He leans into my touch, closing his eyes. "I'm sorry. It's just...I need to do something."

"You needn't kill yourself. I can't stand by and watch you do that."

He rests his head on my thigh and I groan. Why haven't I seen this natural submission before? How could I have been so blind? I keep petting him until I feel him relax under my fingertips. "What is your decision, Sirius?"

He tenses again and looks up. "I'm not leaving. You do what you must." His voice is full of his Gryffindor courage.

I smile at him reassuringly. "All right, then. Get on the bed, face down." Sirius follows my every movement with his eyes, but he doesn't talk. I pick the leather cuffs and close them around his wrists. The bed has a mahogany headboard, but with a little magic I transfigure it so that I can tie him to the newly formed posts.

I stand up and look at him. His legs are spread without being tied. His head is turned on the side. His lips are parted. His eyes are open and I can read the conflicting emotions battling inside him. His muscles contract with his tension. Merlin, I want to bury myself in him and forget about his punishment, but I must do this for him.

I quickly put all my toys away, keeping a rattan cane out. I run my hand over it, feeling its smoothness, ensuring its safety. I slide it over my palm through the air and I see Sirius flinch. "If you want to ask anything, Sirius, now is the time," I tell him.

"I...I don't know...maybe..." He shakes his head. "No, I trust you," he finally says.

God, I don't think I've ever loved him as much as I do at this moment. It's been a long time since I could count on his trust, or maybe I never had it before, but I do now and I have no intention of betraying it.

"Why are you being punished, Sirius?"

He frowns. He wasn't expecting this. "I don't know."

This is so typical of Sirius. I almost chuckle. However, I stay stern. "Try to think. Why am I upset?"

"Because I was stupid?"

The moment he finishes speaking, I hit him with the cane between his shoulder blades. He jerks at the unexpected pain and curses.

"Let's try again, Sirius. Why am I upset?"

"Because I wasn't thinking?"

Two closely timed hits redden his buttocks and he screams. "And what happens when you don't think?"

He stops and thinks. Few well placed marks. "Fuck, I'm thinking, Remus. Stop that."

"No, I don't think I will." I hit his thighs, leaving twin marks. The strikes are stronger than before, but I'm careful not to break skin.

"You should have thought before risking your life needlessly." My voice is controlled and quite a contrast to his. Sirius is begging, apologising and cursing under the steady strikes of the cane.

The blows come spaced closer as my hand directs mercilessly the attack on his backside. His words become sobs as his skin takes a fiery hue. The welts on his shoulders, arse and thighs will remind him of his punishment for days to come. I have no intention of letting him spell them away.

I can't remember this being so hard. I've done it in the past, but my partners never meant more than a mean to a mutually satisfying night. Now, I just want to stop and take him in my arms. However, the blows continue until I can see in his eyes, full of tears, his acceptance.

I quickly release him from his binding and lie in bed next to him. I pull him closer, mindful of the tormented flesh. I keep caressing his face and whispering to him until his sobs quiet down.

"I'm so sorry. I never meant to worry you." His voice is rasp and I know he means it at the moment. Whether it'll be enough to change his behaviour remains to be seen. However, I'm not counting on it.

"I know, Sirius, but you're too important to get yourself killed."

"Yeah, the Order..." he whispers and hides his face against my neck.

"No, not the Order. You're important to me and you're important to Harry. We love you and we want you safe." I frame his face with my hands. "I love you." I kiss him deeply and he sighs.

He settles against my body and I run my fingers through his hair. My gaze falls on the box full of my toys. It dawns on me that I've always used it for my needs. Now, it will be used to take care of Sirius's.

~+~+~+~+~+~+~

That night he slept in my arms just like tonight. I wish I could say that these are the only two times, but it would be a lie. The past three years were full of ups and downs, but we faced them and grew stronger as a couple.

We have survived the dangerous times. Now with Voldemort's death, a new peace is slowly descending over the wizarding world and our lives. I chuckle to myself. I'm sure Sirius will find new reasons to be punished. My lover isn't one to settle for a boring life. I just have to be here to provide limits for him.

### The End ###


End file.
